Vitriol Espresso"I come in peace. I didn't bring artillery. But I'm pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all." General James Mattis
It's been a long strange road dealing with my father. A lot of the time we weren't in contact, but when we were we got a chance to talk we talked about a lot of things. One thing in particular that Dad wanted to talk about is what it was like to die. He'd died several times by this spring and was hot to let me know what he saw. He even gave me a book title to read on my Kindle that explained it in detail what it was like for him. The book is called The Art of Racing in the Rain. And the end is what Dad wanted me to read.
He died so that he can play on the grass with his buddies, riding bikes back home and having a great time. The time he told me about that's what happened. Except he couldn't ride up the grassy hill with them. Well, now he can ride up and down that hill anytime he wants to. His old crippled body is left behind and now he can play with his buddies that have gone on before. Maybe have some of Grandma's beef and noodles on real homemade mashed potatoes and steeped tea. Someday I'll be there, too, and I hope Daddy has a bike for me.
I want a purple bike with a big banana seat and tassels. :)
Lately all conversation is about Israel and the blockade busters who finally got shot being idiots. So now I ramble on about why I think both sides are complete fucking morons who need to be bitchslapped.
First of all, Israel has a legitimate right to blockade Gaza. They voluntarily gave that property to the arabs. What did the arabs do? They elected Hamas, a terrorist organization, to be their leaders. So now the jihadis have a close up and personal way to toss bombs into Israel. But hey, nobody ever thinks of this cuz jews deserve to die, amirite? *BITCHSLAP* Israel has a perfect right to exist and if the fucking fake-ass palestinians (Palestine NEVER existed) don't like it they can go home. You know what Palestine is? It's goddamn Jordan. JORDAN. If the arabs wanted their own people happy they'd give them fucking desert land nobody else wants. Hell, that's what they gave to Israel and the jews turned it into a paradise.
Now Israel isn't completely right, either. If they had any balls at all they'd lob bombs back across the border and have done with it. But no, they always have to be standing on the higher soapbox, the biggest victim in a continent just chock full of victims. No, let the retard arabs attack. Do it. Put your people away from harm and kick the shit out of them. The arabs have already declared war. I say stop pussyfooting around and put those nukes to good use. Fuck all of them. But nooOOOOOooo, Israel has to be the bigger victim.
The whole area of the world needs to be swallowed up by a French black hole. The jews aren't going to go quietly into the night and the arabs are all bigots who need to be slapped down. The Israelis need to stop being pussies and retaliate /in kind/. Mossad is as much a terrorist organization as Hamas. Let's see some fur flying.
Poland rejected all IMF loans and other monetary traps, the ONLY country to have done so, and then their entire top end leadership is destroyed in a happenstance plane crash. Yeah, right. This video of the crash site proves to /ME/ that they were murdered. Those poor people that survived the crash were shot to make sure they stayed dead.
And the rumors NOW are that the guy who took this footage is also dead. Can't confirm that one yet, but I'm looking.
The European Union is a complete flop if they have to bribe nations to take on their debt for them. Poland lost a ballsy rep that day.
Stinky joke, I know. I guess I've decided to take the plunge. Not only am I arranging to go back to school, I've gone back on the singles market. Right now via websites and chat, but hopefully something more concrete later. At the very least it'll get me some new friends. Some of them even close to where I live. Or within an hour or two, which is fine.
Still no news on a new car. I'm beginning to think it's another pie-in-the-sky sort of deal. Though I keep track of my $500 sitting in it's safe spot. I'll see what I can get once I see what mom has to say about it. It's not that I don't trust her, I do. I'm just getting anxious because all my future plans depend upon getting a better car. Dates, school, shrink, counselor..all of these depend on having a better mode of transportation.
Another EDIT: Asked SS about my problem and was told not to be afraid. Literally. I can work 9 months keeping my benefits before my situation is re-evaluated. And before that I can make $720 or less per month without starting the nine months. So I can get a part time job (if there are any I can do) without triggering a shitstorm. Now I feel dumb. But a vastly relieved dumb. The last thing I want to do is end everything before I even know if I can handle a new situation. END EDIT
EDIT: Big brother knows how to talk me down from this shit. At least I don't feel like I'm staring into the great abyss. I'm looking much too far ahead, I guess, and many of my choices won't even be plausible in an uncertain future. One way or another I'll find a way. I hope. Still lookin for a sugar daddy, though. I don't wanna grow old alone. END EDIT
The future terrifies me. Nothing that goes through my head changes the outcome and I have this cyclical thought that my future is eternally bleak.
I don't know how to stop it.
My choices are:
- Get married to someone who understands me and isn't afraid of my mood swings. - Go to school and /pray/ someone hires an old disabled hack like me. - Try a part-time job (really really part time) for a reference later. - Win the lottery.
I'm determined to get off public assistance, but as of yet I'm not sure how to do that. I need help. ; ;
Tomorrow I talk to my shrink again. Which is a good thing considering my lack of sleep lately. The new healthcare bill almost guarantees I won't have a doctor soon and I'm absolutely PRAYING the shrink will let me keep coming.
Positive things? It's been gorgeous weather and I've been socializing a lot more than usual. Even if it's just the neighbor and a few visitors now and again. I hope to continue this trend by going back to school. The summer courses, though, I'm not sure I can take in the classroom. The tram between cities is a mystery to everyone, apparently, and I have no clue when I'm getting a new (used) car. Ma said something about adding more cash to my little wad sometime in May. If that's true I might be able to take classroom classes come the fall semester. Which would absolutely rock. I've spent so much time alone that I've started developing a phobia against strangers. Okay, that's not positive, but I'm trying to stop it before it's intolerable.
Politics is just too sad to discuss. And everyone is going insane over religion as of late. If you don't have Jesus I guess you don't have anything. Not that I don't believe Jesus existed, I do. And he had to be pretty freaking special to be remembered for over 2000 years. Maybe I'll explain what religion means to me in the next missive. Gotta be better than bitching about life all the damn time.
