Vitriol Espresso "I come in peace. I didn't bring artillery. But I'm pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all." General James Mattis

..and says 'ow.'

Stinky joke, I know. I guess I've decided to take the plunge. Not only am I arranging to go back to school, I've gone back on the singles market. Right now via websites and chat, but hopefully something more concrete later. At the very least it'll get me some new friends. Some of them even close to where I live. Or within an hour or two, which is fine.

Still no news on a new car. I'm beginning to think it's another pie-in-the-sky sort of deal. Though I keep track of my $500 sitting in it's safe spot. I'll see what I can get once I see what mom has to say about it. It's not that I don't trust her, I do. I'm just getting anxious because all my future plans depend upon getting a better car. Dates, school, shrink, counselor..all of these depend on having a better mode of transportation.

Patience, I guess.

Another EDIT: Asked SS about my problem and was told not to be afraid. Literally. I can work 9 months keeping my benefits before my situation is re-evaluated. And before that I can make $720 or less per month without starting the nine months. So I can get a part time job (if there are any I can do) without triggering a shitstorm. Now I feel dumb. But a vastly relieved dumb. The last thing I want to do is end everything before I even know if I can handle a new situation. END EDIT

EDIT: Big brother knows how to talk me down from this shit. At least I don't feel like I'm staring into the great abyss. I'm looking much too far ahead, I guess, and many of my choices won't even be plausible in an uncertain future. One way or another I'll find a way. I hope. Still lookin for a sugar daddy, though. I don't wanna grow old alone. END EDIT

The future terrifies me. Nothing that goes through my head changes the outcome and I have this cyclical thought that my future is eternally bleak.

I don't know how to stop it.

My choices are:

- Get married to someone who understands me and isn't afraid of my mood swings.
- Go to school and /pray/ someone hires an old disabled hack like me.
- Try a part-time job (really really part time) for a reference later.
- Win the lottery.

I'm determined to get off public assistance, but as of yet I'm not sure how to do that. I need help. ; ;

Tomorrow I talk to my shrink again. Which is a good thing considering my lack of sleep lately. The new healthcare bill almost guarantees I won't have a doctor soon and I'm absolutely PRAYING the shrink will let me keep coming.

Positive things? It's been gorgeous weather and I've been socializing a lot more than usual. Even if it's just the neighbor and a few visitors now and again. I hope to continue this trend by going back to school. The summer courses, though, I'm not sure I can take in the classroom. The tram between cities is a mystery to everyone, apparently, and I have no clue when I'm getting a new (used) car. Ma said something about adding more cash to my little wad sometime in May. If that's true I might be able to take classroom classes come the fall semester. Which would absolutely rock. I've spent so much time alone that I've started developing a phobia against strangers. Okay, that's not positive, but I'm trying to stop it before it's intolerable.

Politics is just too sad to discuss. And everyone is going insane over religion as of late. If you don't have Jesus I guess you don't have anything. Not that I don't believe Jesus existed, I do. And he had to be pretty freaking special to be remembered for over 2000 years. Maybe I'll explain what religion means to me in the next missive. Gotta be better than bitching about life all the damn time.

I wanna find someone to play dice with...