Vitriol Espresso"I come in peace. I didn't bring artillery. But I'm pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all." General James Mattis
So after a hospital stay for a few hours I discovered that I cannot stomach Seroquel. Now that we've established I can't take that anymore, my previous problems return. IE sleeping 10-12 hours per night on amatrypteline. Why, I ask, can I not take normal sleep aids like Ambien or Lunesta? Why does it have to be something as harsh as amatrypteline? Maybe in January I'll find out. Until then I'm hoping there's no more hospital visits in the night. And the anxiety? Still there. In droves. I often wonder how many panic attacks I'd have without ativan or klonopin. Quite a few, I'll bet.
Next semester has me tied up in knots. Not to mention my one final that I'm about to fail miserably. Mom tells me Econ and Accounting in one semester is a very hard combination. So I am going to see my counselor again on the 4th of January to see what I can do about changing that around. Maybe I need to pick another vocation. Something that I can conceivably handle. My stomach is in knots now. Thanks so much Mother for the several panic attacks inspired by your statement. I'm up for suggestions as to what to major in. I am sincerely at a loss.
I need another klonopin. This all is driving me bughouse insane. I don't want to take XHTML...I barely passed DHTML! Christ help me figure this out. Seriously, I'm in trouble here and I don't know what to do.
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Google took over this site and all the sudden it takes me 20 freaking windows to get to this window to update. So I haven't been updating. Because I can't remember the 20 damn passwords it takes to get to this one window.
Other than the above school is going great so far and the gaming scene has improved in droves since I went alliance. The RP has been spectacular most nights and my characters are finding a niche or ten. I'm a rather severe player so...yeah...it's kind of hard to fit in with the major ones. School I'm getting average scores as long as I temper school with everything else. It's a nice little juggling act that I honestly don't mind doing. I even plan ahead to get things done almost a week ahead of time. Never done that before. Age makes you responsible, I guess.
Life in the neighborhood is good so far. Dottie is still the watcher and Bonnie is still the nice lady who likes to talk. Sometimes I really need to drop the games and school windows to take time out and just chat with someone. I don't want to be a buzzkill on the world of warcraft, but shit, sometimes you gotta take a breather. Ole Volm won't know I'm gone. Either that or he'll destroy something while I'm outside chatting. Which is just as good as me being there.
Lately I've gotten involved in a lot of 'victim' RP. Which forces others to do all the critical thinking. You know, I think I've finally outgrown the control complex I had with RP. It's actually fun to let someone else do all the dirty work. Though I can't let it happen ALL the time. It's kind of a relief to know I'm not responsible for my actions. I wonder what psychologist would make of it? Maybe I'll ask one.
Until next time, hopefully without all the damn passwords.
It's the first day of the first week of school. I have no books, so there's really nothing for me to do right now, but I can claim confusion to the syllabus for English. Supposedly I'm to do a free-writing without any clue as to how long it's to be or what subject matter it should be if any or if there's a due date. I'm sure this is because nobody has books (and I mean nobody), but the teacher really should specify a bit better SOMEWHERE. Hell, it's due next week. The Psych course is a bit different. The teach has everything in a nice timeline with all the papers and quizzes due in a chronological line. Very nice. Nothing due this week, naturally. Again, no books. Tomorrow I have to go to the school for Algebra (YUCK). I have taken this class at least four times, you'd think I'd have mastered it by now. Bleh. Here we go again.
Anyone else running a blog should get out of the business of making money at it. If everyone follows Philadelphia's example you'll end up paying a fee for just having a blog. I'd close it down and tell them to fuck off, honestly. I'm not paying $300 for the privilege of showing nobody in particular the things that are on my mind. I don't do any real reporting anymore and my opinions are muted by the current administration being obviously shitty. Why beat a dead horse, right? Anyway, if you're in Philly you might wanna close down your blogs.
For no reason I've stopped updating the old blog. Maybe for newer things. I've opened another blog to comment about the upcoming Final Fantasy XIV coming out in September. I plan to blog under a few different names if necessary, but it kind of depends on what name I snag at the time. Another 'thing' is a graphic novel that a friend of mine has been wanting me to draw for him. All I need is a plot and some active storyline and I think I'll be okay. I do have Manga Studio for the PC sittin here doing nothing. I should actually try making my own. The novels I want to write can't get on paper for some reason. Maybe someone else's idea will.
The world is going to hell. There you go. Politically it's obvious that Obama is sending the US into an Alinsky tailspin. There's motive and motivation along with a Democrat majority. Why things aren't going faster in that direction is bothering me a wee bit. Of course, Michelle Antoinette is busy eating cake in Spain this week. It galls me that she worries so much about childhood obesity without ever having to deal with the problem. Being rich is such a bitch, huh?
Just had me some potstickers. Now I think I want a blizzard from DQ. Politics be damned. I'm having more fun inside my own head lately.
I've decided to game for gaming's sake instead of picking just one game to play. I'm tired of feeling like playing xxx game only to have to download it for several hours. So from now on I'm leaving them on my hard drive for those times I just feel like playing. I'm a gamer, dammit! My hard drive isn't even close to full.
Other than that not much is happening. Yet another summer with it's summer problems. Mostly heat related. I'm thinking of doing the walking thing again (with the cane o'course...tho that's cheating) if only to get out of the house at least a few times a week. If I don't get a car by August I'm going to have to drop out of college before I've even started. This heat makes everything suck. And I have to depend on someone else all the time to get where I'm going. If it were up to Mom I'd rent a car twice a week for my one algebra class. Meh. Hope something good happens soon.
It's been a long strange road dealing with my father. A lot of the time we weren't in contact, but when we were we got a chance to talk we talked about a lot of things. One thing in particular that Dad wanted to talk about is what it was like to die. He'd died several times by this spring and was hot to let me know what he saw. He even gave me a book title to read on my Kindle that explained it in detail what it was like for him. The book is called The Art of Racing in the Rain. And the end is what Dad wanted me to read.
He died so that he can play on the grass with his buddies, riding bikes back home and having a great time. The time he told me about that's what happened. Except he couldn't ride up the grassy hill with them. Well, now he can ride up and down that hill anytime he wants to. His old crippled body is left behind and now he can play with his buddies that have gone on before. Maybe have some of Grandma's beef and noodles on real homemade mashed potatoes and steeped tea. Someday I'll be there, too, and I hope Daddy has a bike for me.
I want a purple bike with a big banana seat and tassels. :)
Lately all conversation is about Israel and the blockade busters who finally got shot being idiots. So now I ramble on about why I think both sides are complete fucking morons who need to be bitchslapped.
First of all, Israel has a legitimate right to blockade Gaza. They voluntarily gave that property to the arabs. What did the arabs do? They elected Hamas, a terrorist organization, to be their leaders. So now the jihadis have a close up and personal way to toss bombs into Israel. But hey, nobody ever thinks of this cuz jews deserve to die, amirite? *BITCHSLAP* Israel has a perfect right to exist and if the fucking fake-ass palestinians (Palestine NEVER existed) don't like it they can go home. You know what Palestine is? It's goddamn Jordan. JORDAN. If the arabs wanted their own people happy they'd give them fucking desert land nobody else wants. Hell, that's what they gave to Israel and the jews turned it into a paradise.
Now Israel isn't completely right, either. If they had any balls at all they'd lob bombs back across the border and have done with it. But no, they always have to be standing on the higher soapbox, the biggest victim in a continent just chock full of victims. No, let the retard arabs attack. Do it. Put your people away from harm and kick the shit out of them. The arabs have already declared war. I say stop pussyfooting around and put those nukes to good use. Fuck all of them. But nooOOOOOooo, Israel has to be the bigger victim.
The whole area of the world needs to be swallowed up by a French black hole. The jews aren't going to go quietly into the night and the arabs are all bigots who need to be slapped down. The Israelis need to stop being pussies and retaliate /in kind/. Mossad is as much a terrorist organization as Hamas. Let's see some fur flying.
Poland rejected all IMF loans and other monetary traps, the ONLY country to have done so, and then their entire top end leadership is destroyed in a happenstance plane crash. Yeah, right. This video of the crash site proves to /ME/ that they were murdered. Those poor people that survived the crash were shot to make sure they stayed dead.
And the rumors NOW are that the guy who took this footage is also dead. Can't confirm that one yet, but I'm looking.
The European Union is a complete flop if they have to bribe nations to take on their debt for them. Poland lost a ballsy rep that day.
Stinky joke, I know. I guess I've decided to take the plunge. Not only am I arranging to go back to school, I've gone back on the singles market. Right now via websites and chat, but hopefully something more concrete later. At the very least it'll get me some new friends. Some of them even close to where I live. Or within an hour or two, which is fine.
Still no news on a new car. I'm beginning to think it's another pie-in-the-sky sort of deal. Though I keep track of my $500 sitting in it's safe spot. I'll see what I can get once I see what mom has to say about it. It's not that I don't trust her, I do. I'm just getting anxious because all my future plans depend upon getting a better car. Dates, school, shrink, counselor..all of these depend on having a better mode of transportation.
Another EDIT: Asked SS about my problem and was told not to be afraid. Literally. I can work 9 months keeping my benefits before my situation is re-evaluated. And before that I can make $720 or less per month without starting the nine months. So I can get a part time job (if there are any I can do) without triggering a shitstorm. Now I feel dumb. But a vastly relieved dumb. The last thing I want to do is end everything before I even know if I can handle a new situation. END EDIT
EDIT: Big brother knows how to talk me down from this shit. At least I don't feel like I'm staring into the great abyss. I'm looking much too far ahead, I guess, and many of my choices won't even be plausible in an uncertain future. One way or another I'll find a way. I hope. Still lookin for a sugar daddy, though. I don't wanna grow old alone. END EDIT
The future terrifies me. Nothing that goes through my head changes the outcome and I have this cyclical thought that my future is eternally bleak.
I don't know how to stop it.
My choices are:
- Get married to someone who understands me and isn't afraid of my mood swings. - Go to school and /pray/ someone hires an old disabled hack like me. - Try a part-time job (really really part time) for a reference later. - Win the lottery.
I'm determined to get off public assistance, but as of yet I'm not sure how to do that. I need help. ; ;
Tomorrow I talk to my shrink again. Which is a good thing considering my lack of sleep lately. The new healthcare bill almost guarantees I won't have a doctor soon and I'm absolutely PRAYING the shrink will let me keep coming.
Positive things? It's been gorgeous weather and I've been socializing a lot more than usual. Even if it's just the neighbor and a few visitors now and again. I hope to continue this trend by going back to school. The summer courses, though, I'm not sure I can take in the classroom. The tram between cities is a mystery to everyone, apparently, and I have no clue when I'm getting a new (used) car. Ma said something about adding more cash to my little wad sometime in May. If that's true I might be able to take classroom classes come the fall semester. Which would absolutely rock. I've spent so much time alone that I've started developing a phobia against strangers. Okay, that's not positive, but I'm trying to stop it before it's intolerable.
Politics is just too sad to discuss. And everyone is going insane over religion as of late. If you don't have Jesus I guess you don't have anything. Not that I don't believe Jesus existed, I do. And he had to be pretty freaking special to be remembered for over 2000 years. Maybe I'll explain what religion means to me in the next missive. Gotta be better than bitching about life all the damn time.
Obamacare passed. I guess I don't have to move to Canada after all. Not that I'm for this bill, I'm against it for other reasons, but it's a done deal and that's all there is to it now. I just hope my doctor doesn't retire anytime soon cuz he's the only doctor in the county that will see medicare patients.
Can someone give me a pep talk? I need one. Gotta find a counselor or something and try to get a handle on these anxiety attacks I've been having. Mom's death obession is coming back onto me again and it's making things worse.
In a couple days I'll be headed back to the homestead. Hopefully armed with a new perspective. I've been investigating the local college and with any luck I can call when I get back and try to see a counselor. I'd like to do any number of things, but getting off my ass and doing something productive is at the top of the heap.
Think I'd be good at office crap? Probably not, but I gotta do something while I pursue bigger things. I think I've actually developed a dream of sorts. Outside the housewife thing...which I'm NOT giving up on. Some man out there needs a woman to take care of his home and kitchen and when he arrives I'll be here. Assuming he does...but that's part of the dream, I guess. It's my only remaining dream outside this new developing one.
That last anxiety attack was a real doozy. Kinda shitty to have them on what's supposed to be my vacation with Dad. They're coming hard and fast. This leads me to believe that the status drugs I'm taking aren't doing the job for me. So far from home I can't friggin stop taking them, though. God, I feel like this self-focus is going completely out of control while the rest of the world moves on. My anxieties should be listed somewhere so I can work them out. Good suggestion? I got a notepad around here somewhere...
Listening to Santana while I try to figure out what to say here for some kind of update. Not that it's written for anybody but me, it's good to stop and think about something other than impending doom. Klonadin is my savior, make no mistake. I think I found Jesus in the bottle, as a matter of fact. Like Xanax without the hangover the next day, it helps me sleep when anxiety rears it's ugly head again.
I have a lot to be anxious about, I guess. I'm getting old in seclusion when that was never the plan. Car come, car go, etc. I really did get $500 in cash from my brother who for the first time in our lives actually stooped to help me out of a hole. It's getting harder and harder to find that silver lining I used to look for all the time, harder to see the good in things and instead wallow in pity and self doubt. Without one thing other things will not happen and so on and so on. It's hard to know where to start and where to end up.
Once again I am trying to figure out what to do with the remainder of my life. Believe it or not all I ever really wanted to be was a good housewife. That's it. I don't demand sex or even closeness, my anxieties and self-hatred keep that from happening much of the time anyway. But taking care of my own home and someone to keep me company is pretty much it for me. Somehow that doesn't look as if it's going to happen and the anxiety from just this thought is enough to make my heart race and tears to spring out to mess up my glasses. My biggest fear is being alone and I've been alone for so long it's wearing down my psyche. I don't want to die alone.
Ah hell, as if it matters. Something needs to change in a drastic way or I'm going to spiral into a really bad place. Suggestions on how to do this are appreciated.
Hahahahahaha. If only, if only. I've decided to go back to school....when I can get a car to get me there. *sigh* The public transport hasn't gotten back with me so there's no guarantee once I get there that I'll get a ride home. That's kind of important when I'm an hour away from home. I will kill my brother if that five hundred bucks isn't available to help me buy a better ride. It's pathetic that I have to keep renting cars to get to doctor appointments and nobody will help me buy a fucking beater.
A honda would be nice. Or an old nissan. You know? Moving is kind of out of the equasion now, I guess. The only apartments I can get have kids living in the complex. Not totally horrible, but when you mix that up with teenagers things get unsavory. My only saving option is a better car to get me to where I want to go and home again without costing me an arm and a leg.
See, here's the story. My little brother bought himself a new car. Which is great, he's a good kid and he deserves it. He gives his still decent old car to dad. And dad gives the old car to me because I said something about needing one. Well, it didn't get to me. It went to my older brother who kept it and drove it and said it was a fun ride. HOWEVER, nobody was willing to fund me getting it back to where /I/ live. So older brother sells the car for $500. My hopes were crushed. Completely. One little straw of sunlight suddenly gets yoinked away. So I hit a depression I haven't hit in years...I was really down. And I guess I still am. Now I get to go visit with these people and hope (there's that word again) that the $500 is still available for me to use.
Hope is a demon. I'm convinced. Hope is fucking black-ass evil. I don't know what to trust anymore. And I think a man could ever be in love with me? Hahahaha...if only, if only. Okay, I don't hate life. I'm scared of death. But there doesn't seem to be a happy in-between, does there?
Watch this and rate it on the site. Some of the students arrested for protesting have been hanged. I'm wondering when Obama is finally going to take notice. Sanctions on a nuclear state? How about pulling away from them completely by focusing on drilling our OWN oil? Hmm? Take away the US dollars and you take away a vast amount of petrodollars from Iran. They'll have no choice but to bow to our demands. Obama is going nuclear already, why can't he go local drill?
Once again I find myself unable to lay down and sleep. It's an ongoing issue, my mind won't shut off enough for me to rest. So here I sit playing video games and updating the old blog. All the reading I've done this week didn't pique my interest one bit. Well, outside the smut novel I got rolling along on the Kindle. The news is just as I said it would be. Downhill, no good news to speak of, and lots of bloviating dickheads spouting off about one side of the political coin or another. One side points at the other and calls them names...the other side does the same. There's no debate when Democrats have control. Suddenly debate is illegal, immoral, and just not done!
Sometimes I hate this country and sometimes I'm glad I'm here. Tonight I'd like to be anywhere unconscious. Maybe after an hour or so killing things with my bare hands (on a video game). Aaaaand...maybe not. It's not as if I have to get up for anything, I guess.
Another day...another day...another day. The drugs are helping me cope with being so isolated. Hurrah for that. Still sad that I'll die alone, though. Oh well.
So after almost getting nailed by a bluehair in a buick I've been taking it easy under the adviso of my temporary physician. Who's taken a week off for whatever reason and can't look at my x-rays until monday-ish next week. *le-sigh* Friday I see my monthly in Mt. Vernon and I've made an appointment with their nurse practitioner. Probably won't come to much without having my history there, but damn...this hurts. >_<
Boooooooored. Good lord, I'm bored. I thought of a few ideas on things to write about and I plan on doing so. After I'm done sketching. Though those aren't coming to much since I'm so badly out of practice. That and I can't find a comfortable position to do it all in. Oh blah, I'm bitching.
Enough bitching. There's news to read and cats to pet and yarn to crochet.
Seems like the end-times are always coming. But never before has Israel come closer to actually taking a nuclear hand in the Middle East. Syria, Lebanon, Iran...all of them threaten this tiny seaside nation simply for existing. Jews, apparently, are not allowed to live in peace. I just don't understand why they're so threatening.
The Jews took a shitty arid stretch of land in the middle of nowhere and turned it into paradise. The Muslims can't stand the fact that the Jews made it and made it better than they ever could with their 7th century mindset. Muslims shouldn't exist in Jerusalem. It was the province of Jews for thousands of years before Mo-ham-head even existed. So why are they allowed to keep the temple mount?
My theory is this: Muslims are allowed to keep their temple of the cock..er...rock so that Israel never builds another Holy Temple. When that happens Revelation will come into full swing. Couple that with a peace treaty and you have a recipe for global disaster as the Bible becomes the world's compass. As much as I think the Bible is a great teaching tool, Revelation can be taken in thousands of different contexts. Shoving Israel to the fore by giving them back their Temple would be too much for simple human minds to rationalize. IMHO.
I don't subscribe to this nonsense, by the way. But he's falling into a niche he really doesn't want to find himself associated with during his time as president. It's bad for the country for it's figurehead/leader to be perceived ultimate evil of the world. Does it make sense for anyone to believe in this kind of thing?
Though if there is an antichrist, Obama sure does fit the bill, doesn't he? The man isn't a messiah. Hell, he's not even a good president. Unless he stops thinking his farts don't stink he'll lose everything before he even leaves office. The Antichrist? Really?
I did a post on this some time back about all the points of contention that would describe the antichrist. According to the list (brought up by religious scholars, no less) someone like Glenn Beck falls into the same sorts of categories. Personally, I think the Antichrist will be a little too slick to be seen. More like Rupert Murdoch than a brainless fuckwit like Barack Obama.
Yes, needed this update for some time. And even got one of those funky free domain names. I could have bought one, but where's the fun in that? You can come to http://kogai.tk to find me now if necessary. Easier to type, at least for me. Not that it's not my home page now! But it's easier to bring up on the kindle and my links actually show up! Neato, huh?
Anyway, that's what's up. Next project: Book elements! Time to gather some spiffly ideas! :D
For the first time since childhood I'm going to actually make some New Year resolutions. And do my best to keep to them. Seriously! I need a radical change in my life and maybe now is time to indulge. It's been much too long since I was able to do much of anything but bitch. Okay, here they are (in no particular order):
Lose weight/gain muscle - That means actually going outside (when tolerable) and finding something to do while out there. For this resolution I've gone back to my college days and taken up archery as a past-time sport. I have hunted and fished with a bow, but just shooting a target for a couple hours? It's time to start. Got the bow, got arrows, got a target...just ain't got weather. It's colder than a witch's tit out there, yanno.
Investigate religion - And I mean that sincerely. Though I've had the education I've not been to the pulpit in some time. I'ma see what rolls.
Write - Yes, the great American novel. It's been on my mind for years and now I need to actually write it. I'm sick of having this idea molding behind my forehead. It'll be strange, though, to finally get it to a medium that other people can see.
Save money - Need to open that account and start the payments going in!
Stabilize - Yeah.
Get the MUSH/MUCK going full bore again - It seems we have a message board with no board and a chat room with no chat. If I have to change codebases and rebuild again I will. Doing nothing on this thing is driving me insane.
Read - I've always been a voracious reader, but rarely with the opportunity to get books. With the new Kindle mom got me I can download them for a few bucks. That's hawt. So I'm gonna take that fuckin thing with me everywhere I go. And read whenever possible.
Socialize - Yeah, I need to find a way to meet people. And maybe meet people I already know. I hate myself, but that shouldn't mean they hate the way I look/act. It's gonna be hard, but I want to get out and meet those faceless names I see all the time.
And there you go. My list of things I want to do this year. Though the very first one is going to be reading and right after that the first one. XD I can tell you that just cuz of what I got for Christmas. Anyway, happy happy. Here's lookin forward to a year that doesn't suck (like the last ten or so :P).
