Vitriol Espresso"I come in peace. I didn't bring artillery. But I'm pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all." General James Mattis
Another EDIT: Asked SS about my problem and was told not to be afraid. Literally. I can work 9 months keeping my benefits before my situation is re-evaluated. And before that I can make $720 or less per month without starting the nine months. So I can get a part time job (if there are any I can do) without triggering a shitstorm. Now I feel dumb. But a vastly relieved dumb. The last thing I want to do is end everything before I even know if I can handle a new situation. END EDIT
EDIT: Big brother knows how to talk me down from this shit. At least I don't feel like I'm staring into the great abyss. I'm looking much too far ahead, I guess, and many of my choices won't even be plausible in an uncertain future. One way or another I'll find a way. I hope. Still lookin for a sugar daddy, though. I don't wanna grow old alone. END EDIT
The future terrifies me. Nothing that goes through my head changes the outcome and I have this cyclical thought that my future is eternally bleak.
I don't know how to stop it.
My choices are:
- Get married to someone who understands me and isn't afraid of my mood swings. - Go to school and /pray/ someone hires an old disabled hack like me. - Try a part-time job (really really part time) for a reference later. - Win the lottery.
I'm determined to get off public assistance, but as of yet I'm not sure how to do that. I need help. ; ;
Tomorrow I talk to my shrink again. Which is a good thing considering my lack of sleep lately. The new healthcare bill almost guarantees I won't have a doctor soon and I'm absolutely PRAYING the shrink will let me keep coming.
Positive things? It's been gorgeous weather and I've been socializing a lot more than usual. Even if it's just the neighbor and a few visitors now and again. I hope to continue this trend by going back to school. The summer courses, though, I'm not sure I can take in the classroom. The tram between cities is a mystery to everyone, apparently, and I have no clue when I'm getting a new (used) car. Ma said something about adding more cash to my little wad sometime in May. If that's true I might be able to take classroom classes come the fall semester. Which would absolutely rock. I've spent so much time alone that I've started developing a phobia against strangers. Okay, that's not positive, but I'm trying to stop it before it's intolerable.
Politics is just too sad to discuss. And everyone is going insane over religion as of late. If you don't have Jesus I guess you don't have anything. Not that I don't believe Jesus existed, I do. And he had to be pretty freaking special to be remembered for over 2000 years. Maybe I'll explain what religion means to me in the next missive. Gotta be better than bitching about life all the damn time.
Obamacare passed. I guess I don't have to move to Canada after all. Not that I'm for this bill, I'm against it for other reasons, but it's a done deal and that's all there is to it now. I just hope my doctor doesn't retire anytime soon cuz he's the only doctor in the county that will see medicare patients.
Can someone give me a pep talk? I need one. Gotta find a counselor or something and try to get a handle on these anxiety attacks I've been having. Mom's death obession is coming back onto me again and it's making things worse.
In a couple days I'll be headed back to the homestead. Hopefully armed with a new perspective. I've been investigating the local college and with any luck I can call when I get back and try to see a counselor. I'd like to do any number of things, but getting off my ass and doing something productive is at the top of the heap.
Think I'd be good at office crap? Probably not, but I gotta do something while I pursue bigger things. I think I've actually developed a dream of sorts. Outside the housewife thing...which I'm NOT giving up on. Some man out there needs a woman to take care of his home and kitchen and when he arrives I'll be here. Assuming he does...but that's part of the dream, I guess. It's my only remaining dream outside this new developing one.
That last anxiety attack was a real doozy. Kinda shitty to have them on what's supposed to be my vacation with Dad. They're coming hard and fast. This leads me to believe that the status drugs I'm taking aren't doing the job for me. So far from home I can't friggin stop taking them, though. God, I feel like this self-focus is going completely out of control while the rest of the world moves on. My anxieties should be listed somewhere so I can work them out. Good suggestion? I got a notepad around here somewhere...
Listening to Santana while I try to figure out what to say here for some kind of update. Not that it's written for anybody but me, it's good to stop and think about something other than impending doom. Klonadin is my savior, make no mistake. I think I found Jesus in the bottle, as a matter of fact. Like Xanax without the hangover the next day, it helps me sleep when anxiety rears it's ugly head again.
I have a lot to be anxious about, I guess. I'm getting old in seclusion when that was never the plan. Car come, car go, etc. I really did get $500 in cash from my brother who for the first time in our lives actually stooped to help me out of a hole. It's getting harder and harder to find that silver lining I used to look for all the time, harder to see the good in things and instead wallow in pity and self doubt. Without one thing other things will not happen and so on and so on. It's hard to know where to start and where to end up.
Once again I am trying to figure out what to do with the remainder of my life. Believe it or not all I ever really wanted to be was a good housewife. That's it. I don't demand sex or even closeness, my anxieties and self-hatred keep that from happening much of the time anyway. But taking care of my own home and someone to keep me company is pretty much it for me. Somehow that doesn't look as if it's going to happen and the anxiety from just this thought is enough to make my heart race and tears to spring out to mess up my glasses. My biggest fear is being alone and I've been alone for so long it's wearing down my psyche. I don't want to die alone.
Ah hell, as if it matters. Something needs to change in a drastic way or I'm going to spiral into a really bad place. Suggestions on how to do this are appreciated.
Hahahahahaha. If only, if only. I've decided to go back to school....when I can get a car to get me there. *sigh* The public transport hasn't gotten back with me so there's no guarantee once I get there that I'll get a ride home. That's kind of important when I'm an hour away from home. I will kill my brother if that five hundred bucks isn't available to help me buy a better ride. It's pathetic that I have to keep renting cars to get to doctor appointments and nobody will help me buy a fucking beater.
A honda would be nice. Or an old nissan. You know? Moving is kind of out of the equasion now, I guess. The only apartments I can get have kids living in the complex. Not totally horrible, but when you mix that up with teenagers things get unsavory. My only saving option is a better car to get me to where I want to go and home again without costing me an arm and a leg.
See, here's the story. My little brother bought himself a new car. Which is great, he's a good kid and he deserves it. He gives his still decent old car to dad. And dad gives the old car to me because I said something about needing one. Well, it didn't get to me. It went to my older brother who kept it and drove it and said it was a fun ride. HOWEVER, nobody was willing to fund me getting it back to where /I/ live. So older brother sells the car for $500. My hopes were crushed. Completely. One little straw of sunlight suddenly gets yoinked away. So I hit a depression I haven't hit in years...I was really down. And I guess I still am. Now I get to go visit with these people and hope (there's that word again) that the $500 is still available for me to use.
Hope is a demon. I'm convinced. Hope is fucking black-ass evil. I don't know what to trust anymore. And I think a man could ever be in love with me? Hahahaha...if only, if only. Okay, I don't hate life. I'm scared of death. But there doesn't seem to be a happy in-between, does there?
