Vitriol Espresso "I come in peace. I didn't bring artillery. But I'm pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all." General James Mattis

Feeling the melancholy thing, but on the whole much better than the last week. Got punched in the head by a double dose of depression, added in a shot of anxiety and a splash of mania. Not a very nice cocktail. So I indulged in the legal medicinal services available to one my age and just about choked on my own tongue. Which was fun, let me tell you. No...really. I was laughing too hard and bit down on my tongue. Didn't change the funny, just added a little pain.

Then it sort of hit me that I could laugh through it. So I did. Kinda neat those mini epiphanies that come out of nowhere.

Sent another email to the local college. Apparently they have a transit system between my shitty town and their campus now. Although I have no clue when it runs, I've not seen it here. If it exists that'd rock. I could take a couple of classes and not have to worry about the car breaking down on the way. Or the fact that it gets 5mpg.

Told my brother I'm a bit of a transgender. That was hard. Not that I don't enjoy being female, I'm just too dominant to be happy with anyone NORMAL. God, that feels so good to say. Sorry, but I can't see myself living with anyone who isn't afraid to be stronger than me. Everyone I think I might be capable of loving in that way turns out to be so damn weak where I need them to be strong. All I ever asked for was a backbone, a huge fucking heart, and a complete understanding of the fact that...I honestly hate myself. I do. Always have. Still do. Not gonna change. If I could not be me for a million bucks? I'd sell a kidney.

So there you have it. My need for someone to understand that I'm not male or female, I'm both. And I'm neither. Sex is more a play on dominance and submission to me and anyone strong enough to dominate my huge fucked up personality usually goes to find someone a bit more stable in the emotional facilities. I'm nothing anyone has ever dealt with before, apparently. Not even my shrink wants to discuss it. Hell, in another era I'd be a nun..I have no doubt...Mother Superior. Hahahahahahaha. *walks like a penguin*

Ah hell, I'm over 40 and I have no dreams. How pitiful is that? I need to find a few somewhere.