New blogger sucks. I can't update my links anymore. :( So....I will probably be moving somewhere else. It's been a good run, but this new interface just sucks something horrible. Perhaps elsewhere I can get a better foothold on my own links.
A new school semester has begun! And all my classes are online. Strangely enough, they're also all on the same subject. Operating systems. Two books are almost identical. Hopefully this won't cause much confusion as I move along the semester.
Personally I've come to accept that my life is a lonely one and I put much more stock into my friends. I make friends more easily now. At least online. For real, I still search for ways to meet people. Kind of thinking of joining a club at the school or something. Just to get me out of the house more often. With online classes I never need to leave for anything but food. And company. Bah.
My paradigm has shifted. I don't honestly have too much to say about politics while Obama is hanging himself. Wars are too numerous to comment about. Death of all kinds prematurely is bad no matter who you are. Basically I'm thinking more about religion and the future than I am about politics anymore. I just don't see a promising candidate this early. And the various flirtations of our nation's leaders surprises no one.
I'm doing okay. So far. :)
The semester is almost over. And I didn't do too bad on my classes. Certainly better than I thought I'd do. I still have all three finals coming up, so my brain is kind of like a nice swiss cheese.
I've been playing a lot of Warcraft lately, more than I probably should. The drama is giving me headaches and my glasses are giving me optical migranes. Ugh. It's only because I tip my head back to use the bifocals more often when I play games. The chat log is so tiny in comparison to other games. Even when you amp up the font size to 18. Farming my ass off for God only knows what. As soon as I cap out Leatherworking I'm going to take a farming break and read up on my new books.
Yeah. Warcraft books. I'm hooked. Go figure.
It's spring break time again! Time for midterms and other fanciful issues. Like how popular I am in a video game. It feels good to actually be a student.
Those sentences only look good together because they're said in the same breath. I am both panicked and relaxed. I've got a couple of big tests coming up this week and next. I feel as if I've hardly made a dent in anything so far. So I may start now. Yes...now.
So after a hospital stay for a few hours I discovered that I cannot stomach Seroquel. Now that we've established I can't take that anymore, my previous problems return. IE sleeping 10-12 hours per night on amatrypteline. Why, I ask, can I not take normal sleep aids like Ambien or Lunesta? Why does it have to be something as harsh as amatrypteline? Maybe in January I'll find out. Until then I'm hoping there's no more hospital visits in the night. And the anxiety? Still there. In droves. I often wonder how many panic attacks I'd have without ativan or klonopin. Quite a few, I'll bet.
Next semester has me tied up in knots. Not to mention my one final that I'm about to fail miserably. Mom tells me Econ and Accounting in one semester is a very hard combination. So I am going to see my counselor again on the 4th of January to see what I can do about changing that around. Maybe I need to pick another vocation. Something that I can conceivably handle. My stomach is in knots now. Thanks so much Mother for the several panic attacks inspired by your statement. I'm up for suggestions as to what to major in. I am sincerely at a loss.
I need another klonopin. This all is driving me bughouse insane. I don't want to take XHTML...I barely passed DHTML! Christ help me figure this out. Seriously, I'm in trouble here and I don't know what to do.
Google took over this site and all the sudden it takes me 20 freaking windows to get to this window to update. So I haven't been updating. Because I can't remember the 20 damn passwords it takes to get to this one window.
Other than the above school is going great so far and the gaming scene has improved in droves since I went alliance. The RP has been spectacular most nights and my characters are finding a niche or ten. I'm a rather severe player so...yeah...it's kind of hard to fit in with the major ones. School I'm getting average scores as long as I temper school with everything else. It's a nice little juggling act that I honestly don't mind doing. I even plan ahead to get things done almost a week ahead of time. Never done that before. Age makes you responsible, I guess.
Life in the neighborhood is good so far. Dottie is still the watcher and Bonnie is still the nice lady who likes to talk. Sometimes I really need to drop the games and school windows to take time out and just chat with someone. I don't want to be a buzzkill on the world of warcraft, but shit, sometimes you gotta take a breather. Ole Volm won't know I'm gone. Either that or he'll destroy something while I'm outside chatting. Which is just as good as me being there.
Lately I've gotten involved in a lot of 'victim' RP. Which forces others to do all the critical thinking. You know, I think I've finally outgrown the control complex I had with RP. It's actually fun to let someone else do all the dirty work. Though I can't let it happen ALL the time. It's kind of a relief to know I'm not responsible for my actions. I wonder what psychologist would make of it? Maybe I'll ask one.
Until next time, hopefully without all the damn passwords.
It's the first day of the first week of school. I have no books, so there's really nothing for me to do right now, but I can claim confusion to the syllabus for English. Supposedly I'm to do a free-writing without any clue as to how long it's to be or what subject matter it should be if any or if there's a due date. I'm sure this is because nobody has books (and I mean nobody), but the teacher really should specify a bit better SOMEWHERE. Hell, it's due next week. The Psych course is a bit different. The teach has everything in a nice timeline with all the papers and quizzes due in a chronological line. Very nice. Nothing due this week, naturally. Again, no books. Tomorrow I have to go to the school for Algebra (YUCK). I have taken this class at least four times, you'd think I'd have mastered it by now. Bleh. Here we go again.
Anyone else running a blog should get out of the business of making money at it. If everyone follows Philadelphia's example you'll end up paying a fee for just having a blog. I'd close it down and tell them to fuck off, honestly. I'm not paying $300 for the privilege of showing nobody in particular the things that are on my mind. I don't do any real reporting anymore and my opinions are muted by the current administration being obviously shitty. Why beat a dead horse, right? Anyway, if you're in Philly you might wanna close down your blogs.
For no reason I've stopped updating the old blog. Maybe for newer things. I've opened another blog to comment about the upcoming Final Fantasy XIV coming out in September. I plan to blog under a few different names if necessary, but it kind of depends on what name I snag at the time. Another 'thing' is a graphic novel that a friend of mine has been wanting me to draw for him. All I need is a plot and some active storyline and I think I'll be okay. I do have Manga Studio for the PC sittin here doing nothing. I should actually try making my own. The novels I want to write can't get on paper for some reason. Maybe someone else's idea will.
The world is going to hell. There you go. Politically it's obvious that Obama is sending the US into an Alinsky tailspin. There's motive and motivation along with a Democrat majority. Why things aren't going faster in that direction is bothering me a wee bit. Of course, Michelle Antoinette is busy eating cake in Spain this week. It galls me that she worries so much about childhood obesity without ever having to deal with the problem. Being rich is such a bitch, huh?
Just had me some potstickers. Now I think I want a blizzard from DQ. Politics be damned. I'm having more fun inside my own head lately.
I've decided to game for gaming's sake instead of picking just one game to play. I'm tired of feeling like playing xxx game only to have to download it for several hours. So from now on I'm leaving them on my hard drive for those times I just feel like playing. I'm a gamer, dammit! My hard drive isn't even close to full.
Other than that not much is happening. Yet another summer with it's summer problems. Mostly heat related. I'm thinking of doing the walking thing again (with the cane o'course...tho that's cheating) if only to get out of the house at least a few times a week. If I don't get a car by August I'm going to have to drop out of college before I've even started. This heat makes everything suck. And I have to depend on someone else all the time to get where I'm going. If it were up to Mom I'd rent a car twice a week for my one algebra class. Meh. Hope something good happens soon.
It's been a long strange road dealing with my father. A lot of the time we weren't in contact, but when we were we got a chance to talk we talked about a lot of things. One thing in particular that Dad wanted to talk about is what it was like to die. He'd died several times by this spring and was hot to let me know what he saw. He even gave me a book title to read on my Kindle that explained it in detail what it was like for him. The book is called The Art of Racing in the Rain. And the end is what Dad wanted me to read.
He died so that he can play on the grass with his buddies, riding bikes back home and having a great time. The time he told me about that's what happened. Except he couldn't ride up the grassy hill with them. Well, now he can ride up and down that hill anytime he wants to. His old crippled body is left behind and now he can play with his buddies that have gone on before. Maybe have some of Grandma's beef and noodles on real homemade mashed potatoes and steeped tea. Someday I'll be there, too, and I hope Daddy has a bike for me.
I want a purple bike with a big banana seat and tassels. :)
Lately all conversation is about Israel and the blockade busters who finally got shot being idiots. So now I ramble on about why I think both sides are complete fucking morons who need to be bitchslapped.
First of all, Israel has a legitimate right to blockade Gaza. They voluntarily gave that property to the arabs. What did the arabs do? They elected Hamas, a terrorist organization, to be their leaders. So now the jihadis have a close up and personal way to toss bombs into Israel. But hey, nobody ever thinks of this cuz jews deserve to die, amirite? *BITCHSLAP* Israel has a perfect right to exist and if the fucking fake-ass palestinians (Palestine NEVER existed) don't like it they can go home. You know what Palestine is? It's goddamn Jordan. JORDAN. If the arabs wanted their own people happy they'd give them fucking desert land nobody else wants. Hell, that's what they gave to Israel and the jews turned it into a paradise.
Now Israel isn't completely right, either. If they had any balls at all they'd lob bombs back across the border and have done with it. But no, they always have to be standing on the higher soapbox, the biggest victim in a continent just chock full of victims. No, let the retard arabs attack. Do it. Put your people away from harm and kick the shit out of them. The arabs have already declared war. I say stop pussyfooting around and put those nukes to good use. Fuck all of them. But nooOOOOOooo, Israel has to be the bigger victim.
The whole area of the world needs to be swallowed up by a French black hole. The jews aren't going to go quietly into the night and the arabs are all bigots who need to be slapped down. The Israelis need to stop being pussies and retaliate /in kind/. Mossad is as much a terrorist organization as Hamas. Let's see some fur flying.
1, 2, 3...GO!
Finally, someone tells the truth about the oil in the gulf. It's about fucking time. Why isn't this guy on the news?
The Polish prez and his family were /murdered/.
Poland rejected all IMF loans and other monetary traps, the ONLY country to have done so, and then their entire top end leadership is destroyed in a happenstance plane crash. Yeah, right. This video of the crash site proves to /ME/ that they were murdered. Those poor people that survived the crash were shot to make sure they stayed dead.
And the rumors NOW are that the guy who took this footage is also dead. Can't confirm that one yet, but I'm looking.
The European Union is a complete flop if they have to bribe nations to take on their debt for them. Poland lost a ballsy rep that day.
..and says 'ow.'
Stinky joke, I know. I guess I've decided to take the plunge. Not only am I arranging to go back to school, I've gone back on the singles market. Right now via websites and chat, but hopefully something more concrete later. At the very least it'll get me some new friends. Some of them even close to where I live. Or within an hour or two, which is fine.
Still no news on a new car. I'm beginning to think it's another pie-in-the-sky sort of deal. Though I keep track of my $500 sitting in it's safe spot. I'll see what I can get once I see what mom has to say about it. It's not that I don't trust her, I do. I'm just getting anxious because all my future plans depend upon getting a better car. Dates, school, shrink, counselor..all of these depend on having a better mode of transportation.
Patience, I guess.
Another EDIT: Asked SS about my problem and was told not to be afraid. Literally. I can work 9 months keeping my benefits before my situation is re-evaluated. And before that I can make $720 or less per month without starting the nine months. So I can get a part time job (if there are any I can do) without triggering a shitstorm. Now I feel dumb. But a vastly relieved dumb. The last thing I want to do is end everything before I even know if I can handle a new situation. END EDIT
EDIT: Big brother knows how to talk me down from this shit. At least I don't feel like I'm staring into the great abyss. I'm looking much too far ahead, I guess, and many of my choices won't even be plausible in an uncertain future. One way or another I'll find a way. I hope. Still lookin for a sugar daddy, though. I don't wanna grow old alone. END EDIT
The future terrifies me. Nothing that goes through my head changes the outcome and I have this cyclical thought that my future is eternally bleak.
I don't know how to stop it.
My choices are:
- Get married to someone who understands me and isn't afraid of my mood swings.
- Go to school and /pray/ someone hires an old disabled hack like me.
- Try a part-time job (really really part time) for a reference later.
- Win the lottery.
I'm determined to get off public assistance, but as of yet I'm not sure how to do that. I need help. ; ;
Tomorrow I talk to my shrink again. Which is a good thing considering my lack of sleep lately. The new healthcare bill almost guarantees I won't have a doctor soon and I'm absolutely PRAYING the shrink will let me keep coming.
Positive things? It's been gorgeous weather and I've been socializing a lot more than usual. Even if it's just the neighbor and a few visitors now and again. I hope to continue this trend by going back to school. The summer courses, though, I'm not sure I can take in the classroom. The tram between cities is a mystery to everyone, apparently, and I have no clue when I'm getting a new (used) car. Ma said something about adding more cash to my little wad sometime in May. If that's true I might be able to take classroom classes come the fall semester. Which would absolutely rock. I've spent so much time alone that I've started developing a phobia against strangers. Okay, that's not positive, but I'm trying to stop it before it's intolerable.
Politics is just too sad to discuss. And everyone is going insane over religion as of late. If you don't have Jesus I guess you don't have anything. Not that I don't believe Jesus existed, I do. And he had to be pretty freaking special to be remembered for over 2000 years. Maybe I'll explain what religion means to me in the next missive. Gotta be better than bitching about life all the damn time.
I wanna find someone to play dice with...
Obamacare passed. I guess I don't have to move to Canada after all. Not that I'm for this bill, I'm against it for other reasons, but it's a done deal and that's all there is to it now. I just hope my doctor doesn't retire anytime soon cuz he's the only doctor in the county that will see medicare patients.
Can someone give me a pep talk? I need one. Gotta find a counselor or something and try to get a handle on these anxiety attacks I've been having. Mom's death obession is coming back onto me again and it's making things worse.
Gonna call the college tomorrow. Wish me luck.
In a couple days I'll be headed back to the homestead. Hopefully armed with a new perspective. I've been investigating the local college and with any luck I can call when I get back and try to see a counselor. I'd like to do any number of things, but getting off my ass and doing something productive is at the top of the heap.
Think I'd be good at office crap? Probably not, but I gotta do something while I pursue bigger things. I think I've actually developed a dream of sorts. Outside the housewife thing...which I'm NOT giving up on. Some man out there needs a woman to take care of his home and kitchen and when he arrives I'll be here. Assuming he does...but that's part of the dream, I guess. It's my only remaining dream outside this new developing one.
Know any men who want a live-in helpmate?
That last anxiety attack was a real doozy. Kinda shitty to have them on what's supposed to be my vacation with Dad. They're coming hard and fast. This leads me to believe that the status drugs I'm taking aren't doing the job for me. So far from home I can't friggin stop taking them, though. God, I feel like this self-focus is going completely out of control while the rest of the world moves on. My anxieties should be listed somewhere so I can work them out. Good suggestion? I got a notepad around here somewhere...
Listening to Santana while I try to figure out what to say here for some kind of update. Not that it's written for anybody but me, it's good to stop and think about something other than impending doom. Klonadin is my savior, make no mistake. I think I found Jesus in the bottle, as a matter of fact. Like Xanax without the hangover the next day, it helps me sleep when anxiety rears it's ugly head again.
I have a lot to be anxious about, I guess. I'm getting old in seclusion when that was never the plan. Car come, car go, etc. I really did get $500 in cash from my brother who for the first time in our lives actually stooped to help me out of a hole. It's getting harder and harder to find that silver lining I used to look for all the time, harder to see the good in things and instead wallow in pity and self doubt. Without one thing other things will not happen and so on and so on. It's hard to know where to start and where to end up.
Once again I am trying to figure out what to do with the remainder of my life. Believe it or not all I ever really wanted to be was a good housewife. That's it. I don't demand sex or even closeness, my anxieties and self-hatred keep that from happening much of the time anyway. But taking care of my own home and someone to keep me company is pretty much it for me. Somehow that doesn't look as if it's going to happen and the anxiety from just this thought is enough to make my heart race and tears to spring out to mess up my glasses. My biggest fear is being alone and I've been alone for so long it's wearing down my psyche. I don't want to die alone.
Ah hell, as if it matters. Something needs to change in a drastic way or I'm going to spiral into a really bad place. Suggestions on how to do this are appreciated.
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